Disagreements

In any group there are disagreements. Disagreements can be very bad for the whole group. But the Bible gives us a very easy way to fix disagreements. (Matthew 18:15-17)

The first step is to talk to the person who disagrees with you. But you must do it without bringing other people into the disagreement. You must not talk to any other person about the disagreement. There are many names for this action of talking to other people about a disagreement you have. It is called "whispering" (II Corinthians 12:20), biting a person's back (Romans 1:30), "murmuring" (Philippians 2:14) or "gossiping". You do not need to talk to leaders about the disagreement. It is cruel to the person you disagree with if you say things against him or her when the person is not there to protect himself or herself. (Note: There may be times when you cannot talk to the person. If the person does not want to talk to you, then you may not be able to have him/her with you if/when you talk about your disagreement. But when this happens, you should not say anything that you would not be happy for the other person to hear you saying.) Church Leaders should not say that they need to talk about members when the members are not present. Some people give reasons like, "We will know better how to pray for that person if we talk about the problem." This is not true, and it is not a good reason for breaking the rule. Church leaders can abuse their power by doing things like this. And members of a group should always be able to question what the church leader is doing, especially if what they are saying and doing is hurting other people.

Many disagreements can be fixed (and people can become good friends) when the two people who disagree talk face to face about the disagreement. When you face the person you disagree with, you show that you are willing to listen to what they have to say. And you show that you do not want to hurt them by talking to other people about them. You really want to fix the disagreement. (James 5:19-20)

If you cannot fix the disagreement in this way, the second step is to ask for one or two other people to help you. These people should try to get both people to listen to each other. Sometimes the people who are asked to help with the problem will try to say that there is no problem. This often means that the listeners are being lazy. If there was no problem, they would not have been asked to come and help in the first place. If you are asked to help two people with a disagreement that they are having, try not to say things like "It is only a personality difference." And do not say that both people are equally wrong. There is a problem, and you need to find the best place for them to START in fixing it. Covering your eyes and waiting for the problem to go away will not help.

Good listeners will listen closely to what the two people are saying. They will learn to see the spirit that is making them say what they are saying. (See "Try the Spirits".) If a person does not want to talk about the problem, it is a sign that the person knows that he/she is wrong. A person who is hiding from the truth does not want to have other people hear the truth.

When one of the people who have a disagreement tries to hurt the other person with words, it is a sign of a bad spirit too. Look for signs that they are really trying to fix the problem; and discourage them from trying to hit out at the other person.

The last step, if one of the people with the disagreement is not happy after talking about it with one or two other people listening in, is to bring the whole group together to hear about the disagreement. Most disagreements are fixed before this happens. But if they are not, you all need to understand that the problem is a serious one. If the whole group cannot fix the problem, then the group will be forced to say who is wrong, and to ask that person to leave the group. (I Corinthians 5:5)

When a person is fighting against the truth, they do not really want to be in the group, and sometimes we find that they have been using all of these meetings as one way to fight against the group before they leave. But there are some people who are lazy about fighting the bad spirits in themselves, and they will learn a good lesson if they stop all that they have been doing, and go without food for one to three days as they pray for a better spirit. This is something added to the plan and not clear from the teachings of Jesus. We do not see it as a way to "punish" the person, but as one last way to get around the real discipline (that is, asking them to leave the group). If they want to try fasting and praying for a few days, they can do it in a place by themselves and then return for another meeting with the whole group. This time of quiet prayer is enough for most people to get over a bad spirit. If the group feels that they have stopped having a bad spirit, and the disagreement can be fixed, they can return to the group.

Some church leaders who like too much control over others can abuse their power by telling other members they should not talk to anyone who leaves. The person who leaves may have serious criticisms about the behavior of the group or its leader. The leader does not want other people to hear the truth. That is why the whole group should hear about the problem and it should not be only the leaders and some of his/her elders to make decisions to excommunicate people. Refusing to talk to someone is a very hurtful action, and should only be used if the person is angry and destructive. There should always be mercy and grace and the hope in future that the relationship with the person can be restored.

The easy three step plan that Jesus talked about could fix problems in any group, if the people and the leaders would use it. We find that the more we use it, the closer together we are as a group and the less corruption there will be.